Os planos da escritora Elisama Santos para 2020 eram ambiciosos: turnê de lançamento de seu segundo livro, sequência de cursos, palestras por diferentes Estados e por aí vai. Só que a pandemia chegou ao Brasil e a educadora parental ou a questionar se seria a hora certa de colocar na rua (e nos sites) sua nova publicação, intitulada Por que Gritamos (editora Paz & Terra, R$ 29,90 o e-book). Resolveu arriscar e teve uma surpresa: no fim das contas, o caos familiar exposto pelo confinamento fez sua obra figurar nas listas de livros mais vendidos do país no mês de maio, quando foi lançada.
– Decidi que deveríamos lançar porque as pessoas iam precisar falar sobre isso. Mas não tinha ideia da repercussão, e, no fundo, achei até que teríamos impacto negativo por conta da crise da pandemia. Se tivesse sido planejado não casava tanto com o momento (risos) – confessa com bom humor a baiana que é mãe de Miguel, sete anos, e Helena, seis.
Depois do sucesso de sua estreia com Educação Não Violenta, no ano ado, agora Elisama convida os pais a olharem para si antes de culparem a birra dos filhos por suas atitudes explosivas. Em um bate-papo por telefone, ela falou sobre como o autoconhecimento pode ajudar na mudança da relação com as crianças, as diferenças entre autoritarismo e autoridade em casa e quais os primeiros os para transformar a vida em família. Leia a seguir:
O momento atípico que vivemos colocou o grito e a agressividade em casa ainda mais em pauta? Mães e pais estão esgotados?
Estamos vivendo um momento de muito medo, angústia, frustração, dúvida. É único na nossa história. Estamos nos confrontando com nosso universo interior de uma forma que pouca vezes fizemos na vida, e isso reflete diretamente na relação com nossos filhos e nos gritos que damos. Temos experimentado sensações hoje que não vivíamos antes. Quando alguém me pergunta como estou, respondo: "Bem no modo quarentena". É o bem que é possível (risos). Não temos mais o tempo de respirar, em que sou outras além de mãe, em que posso me encontrar, me equilibrar, conversar com pessoas, me acalmar e voltar para casa. Não temos mais esse tempo. Então, a convivência intensa tem deixado pais e crianças estressadas. Estamos vivendo um modo de operar único. Tanto as crianças que perderam a festa junina da escola, os aniversários dos amigos, não saem mais de casa, que estão com ausência de movimento, e isso é essencial para as crianças. E, ainda, estão com excesso de exposição às telas porque os pais precisam trabalhar. Isso causa estresse físico e emocional nas crianças e não sabemos lidar com isso, porque também estamos com nosso próprio estresse. É uma combinação bombástica, e os gritos saem – tanto os nossos quanto os deles.
A pandemia se tornou uma parada obrigatória para fazer refletirmos sobre maternidade, paternidade e criação de filhos? Sobre nossas escolhas?
Tem gente que está conseguindo parar para pensar na própria vida, nas escolhas, no "maternar", no "paternar", para viver experiências que nunca tinha vivido com os filhos. Mas há também quem está tão sobrecarregado e tão no modo sobrevivência que não está conseguindo pensar e refletir, só quer que acabe. Só está acordando e dormindo. Precisamos lembrar que há muitas mães solo dando conta de tudo, de trabalho, dos filhos. Tem gente saindo para trabalhar, e a convivência com as crianças fica mais tensa, não pode abraçar as crianças quando chega em casa, por exemplo, principalmente os profissionais de saúde. Há muitos modelos nesse momento, mas acredito que esses dois cenários são mais nítidos. Um são as pessoas que estão tão atropeladas pela vida que não conseguem nem refletir. E o outro é o grupo que está em casa, podendo experimentar uma convivência que nunca teve com os filhos, e que está questionando a sua própria realidade. Não conseguimos mais manter os problemas longe da nossa vista. Não é à toa que os divórcios estão aumentando. A convivência intensa fez com que alguns problemas precisem ser olhados e algumas mudanças se tornam necessárias.
O grito fala sobre mim, não é sobre o meu filho. Não existe criança que precisa apanhar.
ELISAMA SANTOS
escritora e educadora parental
E quem está tentando fazer essa reflexão, buscando uma mudança em família e exercitando a inteligência emocional encontra no Por que Gritamos uma ferramenta para esta transformação?
Generalizando, todos nós queremos uma relação de tranquilidade com o outro. Não tem pai e mãe que acorde com vontade de gritar, bater e surtar com os filhos. A não ser que tenha algum tipo de problema, de situação emocional muito complicada, a regra é acordar querendo fazer o melhor. Só falta para gente um pouco de autoconhecimento, de se entender e entender o outro. Ao longo do dia, as coisas saem do controle. Mas, na hora que acordamos, queremos fazer o melhor. Acredito que ninguém gosta de gritar com os filhos. Existe um grupo que ainda defende esses gritos porque parar de defender isso ainda mexe muito com a própria história, a própria infância, com tudo o que aprendeu sobre si e sobre a vida. Mas tem muita gente querendo fazer de uma forma diferente. Entendendo que seus pais fizerem o que podiam, mas podemos dar uns os adiante, fazer melhor.
No fim das contas, gritar com os filhos fala mais sobre a história dos pais do que sobre a atitude das crianças">
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